CutieDaughter will turn twelve this summer.

With twelve comes great power, and we all know that with great power comes great responsibilities.

Ah superheroes, is there anything they can’t teach us?

We’re sitting at the table this morning – having breakfast – and CutieDaughter says:

CD: “I know what I want for my birthday…”

Me: “What do you want for your birthday?”

CD: “…”

Me: “That’s a really good strategy you know. By not telling me, you’re pretty much guaranteed not to get it. I’m guessing you want some carrots for your birthday. Done!”

CD: “I don’t want carrots for my birthday!”

(This goes on for a little while)

CD: “I want a cell phone for my birthday.”

Me: “What would you do with a cell phone?”

CD: “Well, I’ll be twelve, and I’ll have a lot of babysitting jobs, so I will definitely need a cell phone…”

I’m guessing she’ll say “In case of an emergency”, and I’m kinda proud of CutieDaugher for being so responsible. So at this point in my head, I’ve already got her a cell phone.

CD: “…so I can call you to come pick me up when I’m done babysitting.”

LW: “Hahahahahaha!”

AudaciousSon pipes up.

AS: “Me too! I want a cell phone!”

CD: “There’s no way you’re getting a cell phone at NINE mister! You already have a better iPod than mine!”

AS: “All right, if I can’t get a cell phone, I want a grappling hook.”

Ah superheroes, is there anything they can’t teach us?

This post is password protected, because it’s about you.

After a lot of time thinking about this, I think I came up with the most likely explanation for my super power.

I am not from your planet.

I think I must be from Uranus – I’ve been called or called myself an asshole more than on one occasion – or even further away from your sun. I think that would make sense since further away from the sun, or from any sun really, would explain my super power.

You wanna see what my super power is? It’s nothing too fancy, I just have some kind of ultra-vision.

But don’t take my word for it. Look at these:

Triptych? Not really.

When I look at these, I see two full trash cans and one overflowing recycling bin.

I know, it’s hard to believe. You probably see three empty containers up there right? I mean, that’s what LovelyWife and the Zadorable see when they look at these. That would explain why they keep putting things in the containers even when they overflow. That would also explain their weird flushing habit, but that might be another post. Sans pictures, of course.

What? What do you mean? Define “Bozo”?

I can prove you yet once more that I am an asshole. Thursday morning on the bus, this woman sitting behind me was reading. She kept hitting me on the back with her book – she was resting the top of her book on the top of the back of my seat. After a little while, I politely asked her to please stop touching me with her book and she made the face. You know the face that says “Shut the fuck up you moron”. So I did. When my stop came, I stood up and saw that she was reading Soul of the Fire, the fifth novel in the Sword of Truth series.  So I told her how the series ends. I made the face, and stepped off the bus.

* I’m giving full credit to Kapgar for the “TUA – Totally Unrelated Aside”, the inspiration behind the Aparté.

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but last week my good buddy Dave2 called me a pussy. It’s all over the InterSphereTubes. Really.

Ever since that happened, I’ve been looking at ways to get back at him, and I explored many different options.

One was to do a video of timbagging, (a spoof on teabagging, except I would put Timbits in my mouth), but I thought that would make me look a lot pussier than already implied. Another one was to draw a map of the USA and add cutsy little graphics on top, but it’s already been done in a brilliant way. I thought about showing you how I beat Wayne Gretzky and stole his Olympic torch to play some air guitar:

Take that Wayne! Rock on!

But meh. He is the great one, but he’s no LeSombre, if you know what I mean.

Finally, I had it. Instead of proving that Canadian are manlier than Usians,  why don’t I simply show that the Usians are far bigger pussies than Canadians? That is the American way, yes?

So without furter ado, video proof that Usians are responsible for the pussification of America:

Proof #1

Usians “shopping”

Proof #2

Usians at the Mall. They have nothing on Robin Sparkles.

Incidentally, I do believe these are also Dave2′s worst nightmares. Enjoy your sleepless nights, sir.

I also believe that makes us even.

Oh yeah, it’s Monday all right.

This is “Disintegration” from Luke Chueng.

I gotta keep it together. I might kill someone before the day is over*. Stay tuned.

*Of course I won’t. But if I did, wouldn’t this be messed up?

I’m as green as the next guy,  but this green is looking slightly more like the Hulk than any nature conscious guy today.

You see, I go back to work today, but my kids are only starting school tomorrow. So of course one of us is taking the kids to the office today. It’s me.

I’m green. I take the bus to work.

Do you know how much it cost for a 8 year-old and a 11 year-old to take the bus?

It costs the same thing as an adult. 3.30$. That’s for a one-way trip. Regardless of your age, when you take the STO bus, it costs you 3.30$. For my two kids and me, we’re talking 9.90$ just to get to work, and another 9.90$ to get back home. That’s 20$ – it’s 18.80$, but really who’s counting?

It costs me 12$ to park the car at work for a day.

So guess what I’m doing this morning? I’m driving to work. I completely blame the STO (and their crappy website) for the extra pollution I will be causing today.

Seriously, who in their right mind charges the same fare for kids and adults? Even OC Transpo gets it right. Kids pay half-price. That’s the proper way of doing it.

And seriously, it’s not really about the money. It’s more about the convenience. It will take me 15 minutes to drive to work, and 15 minutes to drive back. Every day, I’m willing to take the bus (for 77$ a month since I buy the monthly pass) and take 45 minutes to get to work and about an hour to get back home. I do it because I don’t have to drive, I don’t have to pay the parking cost, and I can use the time to get ready for the day (or simply forget about the office on my way home). But when you combine almost two hours, plus a cost of 20$ it’s way too much.

Seriously.

12$ + 30 minutes versus 20$ and 120 minutes.

The choice is clear. Even if it’s not green.

I married a Rockstar.

*Two scores, that means two kids, right? *Wiggle Eyebrows*

This is one of my favorite Larson of all times.

These are questions from the Proust quiz in a recent issue of Vanity Fair magazine.  It seems everyone and their sister is doing it, so why not me?

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A nice bottle of Scotch.

What is your greatest fear?
Dying before making sure my LovelyWife and kids are going to be okay.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Immaturity.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Dishonesty

On what occasion do you lie?
When every other option has been exhausted.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Books.

What is your current state of mind?
Deeply, deeply, deeply frustrated.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Honor.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Courage.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Meh.

When and where were you happiest?
Holding my kids right after their birth.

Who are your favorite writers?
Chris Moore, Paul Ohl, Eric Van Lustbader, Scott Sigler, Dave Barry, Douglas Adams, Ron L. Hubbart, George Orwell, Alexandre Dumas, Emmanuel Aquin, Kavana, J.R.R. Tolkien.

Which talent would you most like to have?
Signing the Opera.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
If I changed anything, they wouldn’t be my family.

If you died and came back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Most probably a slinky.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My oddly colored hands.

Where would you like to live?
Hills of Scotland.

What is your most treasured possession?
Wedding ring.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Capitulation.

What do you most value in your friends?
Their uniqueness.

What are your favorite names?
Saturday and Sunday.

What is it that you most dislike?
Having to repeat myself.

What is your greatest regret?
Not saying no.

How would you like to die?
I probably wouldn’t like it regardless of the “How”.

What is your motto?
Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.