LeSombre has just complained about having nothing to blog about, by Tweeting amusingly and unmercifully. A Tweeter pipes up and…
Becky
You may blog about my butt. Go.
LeSombre
But…
Becky
You may. Go.
or, tell me why are you staring at my butt!
LeSombre
No I…
Becky
[Stepping up to LeSombre]
Does it astonish you?
LeSombre
Your grace misunderstands my
Becky
Is it round and soft And bouncy like a ball?
LeSombre
I never said __
Becky
Or crooked, like Adam’s balls?
LeSombre
I–
Becky
A pimple ornaments the end of it?
LeSombre
No!
Becky
Or a fly parading up and down? What is this portent?
LeSombre
Ohhhhh
Becky
This phenomenon?
LeSombre
But I have been careful not to look!
Becky
And why not? If you please?
LeSombre
Why–
Becky
It disgusts you, then?
LeSombre
My dear Beck–
Becky
Does its color appear to you unwholesome?
LeSombre
Oh! By no means!
Becky
Or its form. obscene?
LeSombre
Not in the least–
Becky
Then why assume This deprecating manner? Possibly
You find it just a trifle large?
LeSombre [babbling now]
Oh no! Small, very small, infinitesimal
Becky [Roars]
What? How? You accuse me of absurdity?
Small my butt? Why
Magnificent,
My butt! You pug, you knob, you button-head,
Know that I glory in this butt of mine,
For a great butt indicate a great lad
Genial, courteous, intellectual,
Virile, courageous as I am and such
As you poor wretch will never dare to be
Even in imagination. For that ass
That blank, inglorious convexity
Which my right foot finds
[Becky kicks LeSombre's butt]
Becky [continuing]
right behind you
Is as devoid of pride, of poetry,
Of soul, of picturesqueness, of contour,
Of character of BUTT in short as that
Which at the top of that limp spine of yours
My left hand
LeSombre
Help! Bloggers!!!
Becky
Take notice, all
Who find this feature of my countenance
A theme for comedy! When the humorist
Is noble, then my custom is to show
Appreciation proper to his rank
More heartfelt and more pointed
Anonymous
This lass grows tiresome Will no one put her in her place?
LeSombre
Observe! I myself will proceed To put her in her place
[Walking up to Becky]
Ah your butt.. ahem
Your butt is. Rather large!
Becky
Is that all?
LeSombre [turning away contemptuously]
Oh, well
Becky
Ah, no, dumb sir!
You are too simple. Why, you might have said
Oh, a great many things! Mon dieu, why waste
Your opportunity? For example, thus: –
AGGRESSIVE: I, lad, if that butt were mine,
I’d have it amputated on the spot!
FRIENDLY: How do you sit with such a butt?
You ought to have a chair made specially!
DESCRIPTIVE: Tis a rock a crag a cape
A cape? say rather, a peninsula!
INQUISITIVE: What is that receptacle
A drum case or a beachball?
KINDLY: Ah, do you love the little birds
So much that when they come and sing to you,
You give them this to shade under?
INSOLENT: Mam, when you fart, the neighbors must suppose
A ship signals fog.
CAUTIOUS: Take care
A weight like that might make you bottom-heavy.
THOUGHTFUL: Somebody fetch my parasol
Those delicate colors fade so in the sun!
PEDANTIC: Does not Aristophanes
Mention a mythologic monster called
Hippoboarbovinemonkeyotterass?
Surely we have here the original!
FAMILIAR: Well, old torchlight! Raise your pants
Over that crack – it hurts my eyes.
ELOQUENT: When it blows, the typhoon howls,
And the clouds darken.
DRAMATIC: When it poops – The Tsunami!
ENTERPRISING: What a sign for some proctologist!
LYRIC: Hark the horn of Roland calls
To summon Charlemagne!
SIMPLE: When do they unveil the monument?
RESPECTFUL: Lady, I recognize in you
A woman of parts, a woman of prominence
RUSTIC: Eh? What? Call that a butt? Naw Naw
I be no fool like what you think I be
That there is two melons!
MILITARY: Defend the rear!
PRACTICAL: Why not a lottery?
With this for the grand prize?
Or parodying Faustus in the play
Was this the butt that broke the Internet
And made LeSombre parody Cyrano?
These, my dumb sir, are things you might have said
Had you some tinge of letters, or of wit
To color your discourse. But wit not so,
You never had an atom and of letters,
You need but three to write you down A S S
Moreover if you had the invention, here,
Before these folks, to make a jest of me
Be sure you would not then articulate
The twentieth part of half a syllable
Of the beginning! For I say these things
Lightly enough myself, about myself,
But, I allow none else to utter them.
[...and scene]
Oh dear. You stepped in it now, haven’t you?
I stepped in Becky’s Butt? I did no such thing Madame!
you, good sir, are fucking funny! you managed to take my butt to a place i never would have imagined it could go.
well done!
I’m sure your butt can go places. Thank you for the inspiration, and for being a great sport.
… and “Baby Got Back” is now officially obsolete in my book. Bravo to you, sir…
when i mentioned writing about my butt on twitter i thought he would go the baby got back route. or take the picture of my butt that broke the internet from my site’s archives. or, ya know, ignore me like a normal person should have.
but man, when lesomebre needs something to write about he goes all out!
Fucking hyster-i-cal! I choked. ON MY CUPCAKE. And I’m not even mad at ya for making me waste a bite. It was *that* funny!
What kind of cupcake? Mmmmmmm cupcakes.
*Gives you a standing ovation* Bravo, good sir, bravo!
*Bows down* Why thank you!
Awesome! Well done! The legend of Becky’s butt will live forever!
Next stop: A book? Maybe start with a coloring book.
I need whatever you’re on!
I have one speed, I have one gear – go. And I dare you to keep up with me, I am on a drug – it’s called ‘LeSombre’. It’s not available because if you try it once you’ll die – your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. #TigerBlood.
Nice blog post-erior, LeSombre.
I’m sorry, I’m a little behind in replying to comments. I crack myself.