Wings of a Butterfly
When both my children were born, I was filled with all these emotions – joy, pride, excitement, elation an of course Love. But also pain, fear and apprehension.
I want the best for my kids (don’t we all, really?), I want them to grow up happy, to laugh, to smile, to be safe. To believe that Humans are mostly good, that people tend to be good-natured, that stuff has a tendency to work out in the end and that Earth is mostly harmless.
I failed to consider that this utopia might not lead to the growing up part.
Who am I kidding anyways?
I don’t believe the crap I wrote up there. I mean I want to. I really really really want to. But wanting it very hard – some might call that praying – doesn’t make it more real. The reality is that I don’t believe. And of course I very well know that trying to promote something I don’t believe in is doomed from the get go.
That I do believe.
The world is unfair. Humans are not nice. Some people are out to get you. Some people lie cheat steal and sleep their way to the top (or even the middle). Some people don’t care about you. Some people don’t care that you’re easily hurt. Some people don’t play nice all the time. Some people are assholes.
That I do believe.
So here’s my conundrum.
Do I sit down CutieDaughter to tell her that the world she’s been led to believe is all pink and fluffy and nice is really a dark unfair and crappy place, or do I keep up the lies and let her get hurt in the process?
Either way all the possible outcomes are cruel, sadistic and irreversible.
Just like ripping the wings off a Butterfly.
I’m fucked.
Tags: deep thoughts, sigh
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December 1st, 2009 at 00:52
Hi,
Remember the time you applied some saran wrap on a glass and waited with a towel for LW to pour herself a glass of juice…
Between the sitdown and the plain lie, there must be place where you can prepare her gently, and be on the lookout, or a question, and then be frank.
Said another way, don’t rush it, but don’t lie if the questions come, and if your’s are like mine, the questions are going to come.
My 2 canadian cents
December 1st, 2009 at 09:41
@Patrek: I get what you’re saying. But what’s going on here is not on the same level. Some spilled juice is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
December 1st, 2009 at 11:44
i don’t see any harm in telling children that there are less than nice people in the world, but they should be the best they can be, regardless of how others act. i learned of not nice people when i was really little and went to bible study when mom when to church. of course having a dad who was a cop left no room for doubt that there were crappy people out there. point is, you are raising kids to be strong, productive members of society so i say not only is it ok to prepare them, but that it is your responsibility.
all of this coming from a woman with no kids, so take it for what you want!
love and best wishes to you and lw as you continue to parent!
hello haha narf´s last blog ..No Such Thing
December 1st, 2009 at 12:01
I had to have this same talk with Taylor when she was in 5th grade. It was the right time because the girls she was going to school with were starting to become vicious. My daughter isn’t. She is a free thinker and likes to do her own thing and not follow what the “cool people” are doing. And when you’re a girl, different is bad.
So, we talked about how not everyone is nice. I told her that she doesn’t have to like everybody, and that its ok to not like them. But, I also told her that I expect her to be polite, even to assholes. Because she is a better person than them.
Tay is now a freshman in high school, and she gets good grades and has a good head on her shoulders. Its hard to watch this crap happen, but if you prepare CutieDaughter, not only will she make it through, she will be the better person for it.
Becky´s last blog ..Attack of the 8 Legged Albino
December 1st, 2009 at 12:12
I think you’re lucky to have the opportunity to break the news to her gently, with love and compassion, than to have to try to help her pick up the pieces when she realizes it on her own.
Unfortunately, I’ve already had to have these sorts of mini-conversations with LD about people who aren’t always nice and say/do mean things. Like when he didn’t understand why he couldn’t go on XBOX live – “you’re not old enough” wasn’t a good enough answer.
You know your daughter best – you know what she can handle. Good luck!
Sheila (Charm School Reject)´s last blog ..Fear
December 1st, 2009 at 12:15
Awesome question!
I’m curious how you are gonna handle it, because you are so right! I don’t believe in all that fluffy foo foo crap deep down in my heart. I put on the appearance that I do, but really- I don’t. I *DO* believe that most people could care less about you at the end of the day and if they have to step on you to make themselves look good, they will. Most, not all, but again- most.
Have you ever watched (I think it’s on 20/20) “What would you do?” Most people don’t do crap to help out if someone is in trouble and getting hurt – UNLESS someone is already stepping in to help out. I saw this one where this guy pretended to be dead on the street, or at least sleeping, unconscious or something and the number of people that just walked by, stepped over him was unbelievable. Just proves the point that people suck and you really are on your own once you reach adulthood.
I do try to live in a world where I believe that most people are good and just when I get all comfy in that place, BAM! someone takes a dump all over me in one way or another and I’m back to square one with my faith in humanity. It’s just easier to not trust and expect the worse. Then you aren’t let down at the end of the day, ya know?
I think the only people that really care about you and your well being and that you can totally trust are your family.
One thing I hope to teach my children though, even though the world does suck big monkey balls, that doesn’t mean you have to lost your sense of humor. As long as you can laugh at the end of the day, you’ve done something right.
Also, I tell my kids all the time, “if you don’t like something, when you grown up, change it! Be the change you want to see in the world.” That’s a famous quote right? Didn’t one of the Cosby kids say that or something, LOL
December 1st, 2009 at 12:32
I think there has to be some kind of happy medium between scaring them and preparing them, and I think it’s situational. Things inevitably happen that create the opening for discussion about how people are not always nice, and can at times really, really suck. I don’t think having a sit-down out of the blue is something I would do because then it’s an abstract concept, but I do think that it needs to be addressed. Even if it makes you feel like a huge balloon popper.
Lisa´s last blog ..Survey Says…
December 1st, 2009 at 13:09
I say tell her. Prepare her. It’s better to walk into a situation fully armed than it is to be unprepared. I mean, don’t tell her that people are out to get her, but let her know that there are people with little or no scruples, who will hurt her emotionally or physically, but that we all go through that, we learn from it, and that she can come to you and LovelyWife at any time in her life for help and love.
That’s what it’s all about.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..The Worst Sunday. Ever.
December 2nd, 2009 at 00:21
I say lie.
Lie like you’ve never lied before.
If you lie enough, you too may believe it… and maybe it’ll come true!
Like that whole Tinkerbell clapping crap.
December 2nd, 2009 at 15:36
Hello Haha Narf: You don’t have kids? I hear you practice all the time!
And thanks for the advice.
Becky: I can only hope.
SheilaCSR: Thanks, I might need luck this time around.
Janelle: I’m curious to see how I will handle it myself. And yes, I did watch the “What would you do” stuff. It wouldn’t surprise me that most of the footage was either arranged or they had to go through a lot of people to get the reactions they wanted.
Lisa: Yeah, you’re right. Unfortunately, life accelerated the need for that talk.
CMG: It is what it’s all about.
NYCWD: Riiiiiiight.
December 2nd, 2009 at 17:59
The sad part is, they’re gonna get hurt no matter what. It sucks, but it’s true.
My daughter (almost 8 – in a few days!) watches the news with me and it’s given us chances to have discussions like that. She happened to catch the news when they were talking about the 16 year old who killed the 9 year old girl, and it really bothered her. However, it turned out to be a great conversation about THAT was why I was so strict with her and wouldn’t let her just run around the street like some of her friends, etc. And at the end of our talk (where I also said, “There are just crazy people out there, and mean people and my job is to protect you but you also have to think smart and listen to your gut and protect yourself, too), she gave me a hug and said she was glad I didn’t let her just do what she wanted all the time.
I am pretty sure she’ll regret saying that in a few years, but hey – got the message across!
Good luck!
Sybil Law´s last blog ..Theiving Can Be Fun!
December 2nd, 2009 at 18:42
@Sybil Law: Thanks! I’ll most likely need it.